Cam the Man

Cam is my third child. He is a funny, sweet, smart little tank. He loves running, climbing and drawing. He makes me laugh almost every day and he makes me cry- lately- every other day. It is hard for me to type these words. I have talked them many times to my family and friends, but they all know him personally and they understand what I am dealing with. To type it feels like I am putting him out there for everyone to judge. I don't want anyone to think negatively of him. But when I started this blog I said I would give the good with the bad. That is reality, that is life, that is my life.

Right now we are having a hard time. In the grand scheme of people who are dealing with sick kids and serious behavior problems, this may seem insignificant, but to our family this has become more then a phase. Here I am trying to decide with his summer birthday if he should go to Kindergarten next fall and all I can think is that there is something bigger at work. So I don't know if he'll be ready.

I spent today filling out what seemed an obscene amount of questions, about everything from how does Cam communicate to, do things like fabrics bother him? How does he react in situations of stress? happiness? Is he easily frustrated? Can he run? Does he interact with other people? Can he speak? and many many more. Judging from the fact that a lot of the questions I was like "No way is that him" I guess I should feel glad, but on the other hand, many of them I thought "Yep that's him" so I guess we are making headway.

To sum up where I am at. Cam I believe has some sort of sensory disorder. It started as a little 2 -3 year old, him not wanting to play with shaving cream on the table or finger paint. It has now manifested in a complete melt down every time he gets dressed. His socks bug him, his shirts not tucked in right, his pants bug his butt, his shoes aren't "tight" enough. Everyday, several times a day I hear a scream and a wail and know, that something is bothering him. It started with the shirt tucking a couple months ago and has slowly gotten worse. I kind of joked that he may have O.C.D. which is not funny, but I felt like if I said it out loud as a joke, that it wouldn't be true. Pretty soon though as I was trying to say it jokingly, it didn't seem funny at all. It felt real. Everyone laughs when they see him coming shirt tucked tightly, pants jacked up to the sky. He is getting to the point where if someone laughs around him about anything, that he cries and screams for them not to laugh AT him. I hate to admit I even try to laugh it off. Sometimes I feel like if I don't laugh, I'll cry.

He also has a horrible knee jerk reaction to things not happening the way he wants them to. I think he sees things in his minds eye and when he goes to draw them himself and it doesn't look like that, he loses it! He will sit and draw for hours (at 4 years old!) At school he will only work on one paper a day. He will sit and do it and re-do it until he is satisfied. It is so frustrating to watch him try again and again. His teacher said you know he doesn't need to do it perfect and I felt like screaming "Do you think I am encouraging this!!!!"

The worst part though is that I can't help him. Not anything I can do will make it better for him. I feel helpless and frustrated. I just hate seeing him so frustrated, I want to fix it for him but can't. Yesterday through my tears, as I was hugging him, I said "Cam I love you so much! I just don't know how to make it better for you?" He just squeezed me and said " I know you love me Mommy" I guess that was all I could do at that moment.

He was doing great and having a great start to the year and then in October he started regressing in his behavior and attitude. He didn't want to eat anything but noodles and bread. I was convinced he had a brain tumor, was developing some personality disorder or I don't know worse! It turned out he had Mono. MONO at 4! Seriously! They said most little kids go undiagnosed, their parents just think they are having behavior issues. I was relieved it wasn't more serious but was told that every time he got tired or even got a cold, it could really take him out, and this could happen for up to 6 months. Great.

So it has been over 6 months and it has been up and down. We went from having a great couple weeks to an awful string of 10 days. Friday I had to pick him up from school early after he had a complete meltdown- when he thought he had grabbed a blue crayon and after coloring with it he realized it was purple. Saturday I literally told my husband I was going to the store amongst sobs and he said maybe I should just be gone for the whole day. I was so frustrated with Cam. I can't be mad at him though. If you saw his face you would see, he can't control it when he feels that way. This is not a behavior problem, it is bigger then that. It is now time to get him some tools.

So that brings us back to today. I found an occupational therapist through a friend and am hoping it is just what he needs. I think part of this is just his personality and I don't want to change who he is. I just want to give him tools to cope with things. I think that would make such a difference. I will do whatever it takes. I talked with his teacher. She said that she loves him and knows he will do great things in life, that he just may take the road less traveled. Super! I think she is right about the first part though. I know he will do great things. If you've met Cam you know it too! He's awesome!

So thanks for listening... I will keep you posted as things progress. Hopefully in the right direction.

Talk Soon,
Ashley