So I have been obviously kind of busy, but I also have been waiting to report on Cam's school experience because I have wanted to get a good perspective of it before I dished. I write this in large run on paragraphs because that is how it has gone, one big jumble in my mind.
So the first day of school he literally looked at me and said "why are you still here, MOM GO!" Hold on Cam let me remove the dagger from my heart and I will get out of here. He was so confident and excited and I wanted that for him so badly, but it didn't stop the fact that my heart and mind were so full of anxiety and fear that when I left school I pulled over and cried hysterically on the side of the road. I KNOW how funny and kind and charming and fun he is. I KNOW that his outbursts aren't something he is doing to be naughty. I SEE his internal battle in his eyes and I KNOW best how to maneuver all of it. I felt so helpless that morning, like I was just abandoning him to fend for himself. I felt bad for his teacher, like I was dropping of a ticking time bomb and saying "Good luck!" It was all in all just a sinking feeling, SO full of uncertainty. I was "hoping for the best, but expecting the worst." I had talked a little with his teacher. Delaney had her and I was so lucky, because I knew she was sweet and willing to take him on, but as I was talking with her the day before school started at his Open House, I felt like- am I helping by warning her about these things? Or am I freaking her out? Am I trying to micro manage the situation too much? I wanted her to know what worked for us at home, but I also wanted to let her know that I trusted her to do what worked for them at school. There was a dark cloud around the situation, a dark cloud of uncertainty that was in the fact she hadn't actually witnessed a "meltdown" yet. I was surely trying to help, but I quickly realized I indeed WAS scaring her, because I was making it sound awful. In my defense it really could be awful, but chances were he was going to be trying with all his might to reign it in so he could stay at school. Fresh in his mind the memory that on one of his last days of preschool last year he was sent to the office and then home for pushing over a chair and screaming like a mad man over a "messed up" construction paper butterfly.
I finally drove away and started for home, trying to talk on the phone with anyone and everyone who could settle me down. Realizing quickly that I had gone completely the wrong way and was headed across the valley instead of home. I was on the phone with my friend Amy, who lived out that way. "Come here." she offered. "I'll stop at Starbucks" I said. 20 minutes later I was crying on her couch. Like a patient to her therapist. Sipping my latte between sobs. Not even my beloved coffee was helping. I HATE THIS FEELING! I JUST WANT HIM TO BE HIS BEST AND GET TO BE HIMSELF!!!! Every time my phone rang my heart did a cannonball into my stomach. "Oh Phew, just Joe. or Oh Phew! just my mom." Amy suggested putting a special ring on my phone just for school, "I don't know if they sell a death march ring tone?" Or perhaps something more uplifting like a little Lady Gaga "Born this way" :) I did receive an email midday saying he was doing fine and besides being a little nervous about the noise at his first all school assembly, he was OK. That email, his teacher will never know how much that helped me. I felt like I could take a breath. I wasn't 100% anxiety free, but I could breathe. Progress! I picked him up after school and he was excited. His teacher said that he had had a couple little breakdowns over not doing his paper perfect. But I felt actually relieved she had witnessed it and now knew more what to expect. We made a time to meet the day after that next day before school. This would give her another day to make some observations but also be soon enough that I would be able to give her some tools. The following day he had a little bigger breakdown. He had colored out of the lines and when she tried to talk him it escalated. Not sure what was the best way to handle it, it was perfect timing for us to meet. We went over some effective ways of diffusing Cam. I told her about some of his triggers. I let her know I am willing to do ANYTHING to help the situation and that I didn't want to get in the way or become a pain to her myself. I think she appreciated the information and I really just hope she will take it for what it's worth and find what works for her in class.
It is interesting though because one thing I explained to her is that as IRRATIONAL as his fits can be, especially over coloring outside the lines or "messing up" he is surprisingly rational afterwards. He is fully able to talk about it calmly later and he is able to see what was wrong with how he handled it. This is something that has gotten even better through his therapy. I can't believe that after so few visits that so much has gotten better. He's got 3 pairs of shoes he'll wear. His shirts can go untucked. I got a message from his teacher the other day that said he had such a "wonderful day" he had colored out of the lines and instead of freaking out he said "Ugh. oh well I can fix it" and she was so proud of him that she thought she scared him:) I read my message at a stoplight on the way home and all the carpool cousins and Keegs and Laney were saying "GOOD JOB CAM!" He sat a little taller in his booster that day. I ask him everyday how he did and he says. "Ga-wait" or Great :) " just cried a wittle bit :)"
He is loving soccer and may even have a natural talent in the sport. We'll see where it goes over the years but I love watching him play and get so into it! I tell him every day HOW PROUD of him I am!!!! and I mean it. I think he really realizes how therapy is helping him. I brought Maddie with us 2 Fridays ago and Laney and Keegan last Friday. I think it was good for his therapist to see the dynamic. I know it is partially just the way siblings act to each other but some of the behavior, the just being mean for the sake of being mean, HAS GOT TO STOP!!! His therapist told me it will most likely never STOP completely, but we can still continue to really teach and enforce that KINDNESS as our #1 priority.
So we keep working. Keep going to therapy. Keep talking to each other, to him, to his teacher. We keep using the strategies and techniques we are learning. We keep loving our awesome little man or "big man" as he keeps telling me. And I feel like if we can do all this, that we will continue to create an environment which will see him grow into a well adjusted big kid? All the while still allowing him to be the charming, funny guy that I never want to lose! I feel so lucky to live in this time, where we have the knowledge and tools to really give him the chance at really enjoying a long, happy life! I know he can and I can't wait to see what he does with it!
Thanks for all the support!!!
Ash
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
No comments:
Post a Comment