All that said. I am really getting the hang of it. I feel myself getting better and stronger at running everyday. Instead of binging and eating whatever I want, I find myself thinking, do I really want to eat this and cancel out all I just did?!?!? Sometimes the answer is no, and sometimes the answer is Hell YES, but I kind of thought it would always be Hell Yes, and it isn't! I am in fact surprising myself. I even told Rachel yesterday that I would rather run 5 miles then do my strength training circuit. I NEVER would have said that before! So being it that I AM surprising myself, I have something to admit. Despite my "I don't care how many pounds I weigh, it's how I feel" song and dance, when I finally weighed myself yesterday after how many months? Over 2? I still had not lost ONE POUND! And I WAS PISSED! I mean really!!! What do I have to do?!?! It's like I have this glass floor holding me at this freaking weight and I KNOW I SAID IT DOESN'T MATTER, BUT OBVIOUSLY, IT DOES! When you are working hard, you want to see SOME results!
Not to mention that I am suddenly feeling my age. It's not actually my age? 31 doesn't seem old to me, but I feel older, body wise, I guess. You know...the lines on my face don't bother me. The difference in my skin's ability to bounce back, tan, etc, that doesn't really either. This "floaty" around my waist, uh yes it bothers me and the fact that I have such bad hot flashes some nights that I feel like I better put on deodorant before bed, now that's just messed up. The fact that I waited my WHOLE LIFE to get boobs bigger then a small B and when I finally do the skin holding them, can well, barely hold them! I mean COME ON! When I was getting dressed this morning I was putting on BOTH my bras for running and as I did I sang a little tune. You want to hear it? Here it goes...
Sung to the tune of "Do your ears hang low"
"Do your boobs hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw em over your shoulder?
Do you need 2 boulder holders?
Do your boobs-hang-LOW?"
I may have too much free time on my hands.
Needless to say I am having a bit of trouble with my body image these days. And obviously keeping things to myself isn't really my forté :) So I talk about it.
My mom just bought me a fun little voodoo doll, called the long neck beauty. It is "to help you feel gorgeous and stunning without the need for surgery." I am using it as a charm on my wine glass :) That should help, and if not the wine will :) I really AM telling the truth when I say I would be more unhappy, skinny but starving from dieting or not even starving, but just not able to enjoy what I want, when I want it. I would rather weigh a little more and be able to enjoy food. Plus, I feel like we eat mostly healthy. Sure there is butter in my recipes and every once in a while, some heavy cream, but it's not like I eat that EVERYday! 99% of what we eat is homemade or whole foods (fruits, veggies etc) which I think is better then eating processed meals. I don't sit and gorge myself all day long so I feel like it's not fair! I eat well, I've been regularly exercising since July and I eat less portion wise, then I have in years! COME ON BODY! Let's get with the program. Uggghhh! There I think I'm done with my little tantrum.
I know Rachel said that it takes time. It took her a couple years to really get to her ideal weight. The thing that scares me is I have never stuck with anything that long. And whereas I do like running now, that's basically me making a commitment to do this, well, forever. You hear people say all the time it's not a quick fix, it's a "life change." I guess that makes sense, and I guess that's what I need to do. I really do need to get back in my "I am happy running as long as I can enjoy the foods I love to cook" mentality. Because as long as I LOVE to eat, I need to LIKE to exercise. And not just like it, make time for it, keep it a priority, let me be a priority.
So for now, I sit here:
Run- CHECK
Coffee- CHECK
Cam 1/2 day pick up CHECK
Shower- TBD
Laundry- Ummm, does starting the washer and re-running the dryer count.
Dinner- Planned CHECK
Prepped CHECK
In the crock pot CHECK
Hey I am at least one step ahead of the game today. I'll take what I can get :)
In the meantime it's time to pick the big kids up from school. And I think it's time to let my song inspirations out of at least one layer of their cotton prison.
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