Rough

Today was a rough day. Cam's last day of school. I feel like I am super defensive for him. I feel like I am over analyzing every part of his day. I have worked really hard to try not let him hear me talk to others about what/how he's doing all the time, I don't want to feed his anxiety. But I do talk to him about it. I just keep thinking that if I talk to him, that one day he's just going to say "Oh my gosh Mom you're right, I totally don't need to act like this." and we'll be done with this phase. But since I think that is not going to be the case, I digress.

From the minute he woke up I was stressed. I could feel my own anxiety welling in my chest. Was he going to freak out about his uniform, was he going to put his shoes on. Was he going to get to class and yell because he didn't get to sit where he wanted at circle time. Lots of these things are somewhat normal preschool kid issues, but at this point all I can think about is how to help him not act out even like a normal preschooler. I don't want anyone to see him as anything less the super cute, funny, sweet kid I know he is.

He got to bring birthday treats so I brought popcorn, I didn't stay. His teacher said he did well. I thought OK we did it. Last day of school! We went to the hardware store and got vegetable starts. He was so excited to go and get new shoes next. His are ripping, due to the fact he pulls them so tight. We went to the first shoe store, tried on 6 pairs of shoes, several times each. "this one's too tight...this one's not tight enough...this one my foot is coming out of" No shoe fit "right!" We go to store #2 I have 30 minutes before I have to be on the road to school for pick up. Shoes 1-5 too loose. Shoes 5, 6, 7- too tight. Shoes 8-11 Just don't like them, they aren't comfortable. The last shoes were the exact shoes he walked in with but new, same style and size. So it is then I confirm it REALLY ISN'T THE SHOES! By this point I am sweating, on the verge of crying and looking at my phone realizing that if I don't leave right this moment, I am going to be late. We walk out, now he is crying and Maddie is crying and I really am trying to keep it together. As frustrated as I feel I know in my heart he can't help it. I just wish I could fix this!

I got my referral to an occupational therapist. I have a conference with his teacher next week to talk about Kindergarten or not and I feel like I am keeping my head above water. I can't help but wish that I could skip to the end of this particular journey. But then in the back of my mind, and deep in my heart I hear myself say...

"You don't want to wish it away!"

It's the truth. As difficult as this may be right now, it too will help shape Cam into the amazing man I know he will become and me into the woman and mom I am supposed to be. My uncle told me once "You are in the time of life where the days drag and the years fly." Amen to that! And if I can talk myself into anything I think it's just that- THE YEARS FLY. Someday not so far from now, I will be laughing (hopefully) about that time when Cam tried on 20 pairs of shoes and couldn't find one tight and not tight enough, and his underwear were touching his butt!!!!

Without wishing it away. I look forward to that day.
So sleep TIGHT everyone :) Tomorrow's a new day.
Ashley