Beep...Beep...Beep...Ashley! Wake Up! :)
I wish! I had all the best intentions and that would have been lovely but it was NOT reality. In reality I did NOT get my laundry done before pick up. Oh and so that you all don't think that I am exaggerating my laundry issues. This is from last week on Friday. I did laundry the Saturday before, this is what I get for not folding and putting my laundry away for 4 days.
It is not something I am proud of, but with school, soccer, carpool and a 2 year old. It was all I could do to keep the laundry washed and dried. I have kind of been a comedy of errors this week. Everything I needed to do has taken twice as long as it should! I realize I have 4 kids. I realize I CHOSE to have 4 kids and so believe me it is not lost on me that laundry is realistically a full time job, because of all that. I get it. That doesn't me I have to like it though :)
I piled the clean laundry in the hall so I was almost tripping over it and would HAVE to get to it. Desperate times call for desperate measures :)
I dried one basketful at a time so I wouldn't be folding wrinkly clothes. It took me ALL day and I would say that I probably had close to 9 loads!
So back to the real story :)
I picked the kids up and as they got into the car, I said how sorry I was that I had been so grouchy. I gave each one a hug and as they went to take their seats, Keegan turned around and asked why I hadn't ordered more magazines from him for his magazine drive. Then Cam started screaming he wanted a play date and Delaney wined that she shouldn't be on restriction from play dates still, all the while Maddie screamed for her nigh-nigh. I calmly slid the van door closed.
"Deep breath in and out, in and out...Stay calm they are just tired...Deep Breath...open the door, get in and just drive home...you can make it..."
Door opens- Screaming pours from the opening- I slammed the door shut. Seriously! My window rolls down "MO-OM Keegan..." Ok that was it. DONE! I drove home sad, mad, irritated everything. I told them how sad and mad I was, that I had spent the day being sorry for how grouchy I was and how I'd hoped that they would try too. They were indifferent to say the least. I had to go to the store and luckily they held themselves together for that quick trip because otherwise I may have left them in front of the grocery store standing in a box that said FREE on it. We got home I threw my pork shoulder for pulled pork sandwiches into the oven in my Cast Iron Dutch oven. I needed to be able to get it going and forget it until later and that worked fine.
I made lunches and got organized then went BACK upstairs to conquer my nemesis...the laundry! After a couple hours I asked the kids if they would come help me, their response was a combination of indifference and ignorance. I called down again. I got a couple Noooo's a couple Whyyyyy's and at least four Ughs! That was the last straw, if I thought my screaming of HELLLOOOOO! was bad before I was prepared for a downpour of guilt after what was about to come out. It went a little something like this. I am capitalizing to emphasize that I was yelling at this point.
"I AM DONE!
YOU DO NOT WANT A MOTHER, YOU WANT A HOUSEKEEPER...NO SCRATCH THAT...A SERVANT! HOUSEKEEPERS GET PAID AND RESPECT FROM THEIR CLIENTS. SERVANTS ARE LIKE SLAVES, UNPAID, NOT RESPECTED, NOT THANKED, JUST EXPECTED TO DO WHATEVER THEY ARE TOLD! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT A SERVANT?!?!?
FINE! I AM DONE! I WILL JUST DO THE LAUNDRY AND MAKE THE MEALS AND CLEAN THE HOUSE AND YOU CAN GO GET THE LOVE AND THE HUGS AND THE KISSES SOMEWHERE ELSE, BECAUSE DOING ALL THIS ON MY OWN, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT FOR IT! THAT MUST BE HOW YOU WANT IT. THAT IS WHY YOU TREAT ME AND WHAT I SAY WITH SO LITTLE RESPECT! FINE I AM DONE!!!!!!!!
I may have also added something about how I do ALL this for them because I love them and how I felt like if they loved me that they wouldn't have a problem wanting to help me. But I don't remember. I was so upset at that point that I charged back down the hall into the boys room and started SLAMMING their clothes into their closet. No semblance of order, just get it done! I heard the sound of feet flying up the stairs and the sound of Delaney's sobs as she came to find me down the hall. "MOM! I..I...LO-Love YOOOUUUUUU!" "Yeah Mom we are sorry!" Keegan added. I said nothing. I just kept putting away the clothes. "MOM!!!! SORRY!" They said jamming themselves between me and the closet shelves, hugging me, holding onto me. I cracked. "if you love me then why do you care so little about what I say? Can you imagine if I ignored you or if I groaned every SINGLE time you asked me to do ANYTHING!!??!! They frantically started putting clothes away. Delaney ran into her room to make her bed. They were probably scared to death of another verbal attack, so they were covering their bases. I stopped, I felt exhausted. I sat on the bed and I looked at each of them.
"I truly and utterly HATE that I had to just do that. I HATE feeling like this crazy mom. I HATE that I have to beg and scream and cry to get my point across. And though I think it was justified, I HATE that I just had to BLOW UP ON YOU! I am a stay at home mom, and that is my job and that is the job I have chosen! But I can NOT do it by myself. I love being home with you guys, and I love doing things for you, so when I ask you to help or do something, you just do it. No questions, no arguments. YOU JUST do what I ask. Do you understand what I am saying?"
They looked at me, worried that it was trick question. I added that if I ask Keegan to pick up Delaney's shoes, or vice versa, he needs to just do it, because, we are A FAMILY! A TEAM! and I am pretty sure that all the clothes I wash, dry and fold are NOT MINE and the dishes I wash are not all 6 my dishes and the dinner I made was not JUST enough for ME! I know they understand what I am saying, but they don't like it, and they are debating that they actually want to agree with this deal. I think in the end, they choose helping over more MOM MELTDOWNS, because I freaked them out.
I am not proud of these types of moments, but they are important to share, because I know I am not the first, nor the last mom to lose it like that. It makes me feel better to know that, but no more proud of my low points. Not everybody understands or has been to this type of breaking point, even my own husband, when I was telling him about it responded with a "What's for Dinner?" and when I gave him the look of "ARE YOU SERIOUS!? THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO INTERJECT?" he said to me "I don't know what you want me to say!" OK. For the record, "I'm sorry you had a rough day...Do you want me to have a talk with the kids?" Would have been perfect! I wonder where they get it from. The day before I said to all my kids "Hey guys pick up the family room while you are sitting there watching your show and when they ignored me I said to Joe, "Oh My gosh! Am I not saying things out loud or something?" he didn't hear me and when I went "OH MY GOSH!" He looked up scared and said "What?! I didn't hear you! What?" Seriously that IS where they get it. It's hereditary, they can't help it :)
Maybe I should cut them some slack. No! Time to reprogram :) So we made it through the weekend. Only a few days, granted, but still I didn't have to freak out at all Friday or Saturday or Sunday so that's good! I know this is not the last I will be posting about this type of episode. In fact I guarantee it's not. But what I hope I can take from all this posting and ranting and breaking down is that...
I can make it through these moments, and come back stronger each time.
I can apologize to my kids for my part in the craziness, and teach them that we all are responsible for our behavior and hopefully teach them to apologize when they don't like how they are acting.
I can be upset with my kids and still love them immensely at the same time.
A good breakdown can sometimes be the beginning of a new outlook on your life and that's a good thing.
p.s. For another thing, the kids helped me finally defeat my cursed Laundry FOE! Here's the proof!
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