Runner or not...T.B.D.

"OWW!" said my ass :) "NOOOOOO!" screamed my quads. First I did strength training Monday after 4 weeks of not doing it. Then I RAN 11 MILES Tuesday! I beat my furthest distance by almost 3 MILES!!!! I am not sure what I am doing still. I feel like I should be super excited? I am proud of me. But I still catch myself getting really negative in my head. I am psyching myself out something fierce! The only thing that got me through it, is that amongst the cursing (which there was a lot of) I kept saying "Ashley, you used to feel like this about 4 miles! Remember!!!" Now I almost tripled that! I need to get positive. I haven't sleep for the last 3 nights, because I am so anxious. I keep having dreams that everything is crazy around me and I am trying to keep control of my family, my kids, my house. Monday night before my big 11 mile run, I dreamt that I was dressed and ready to go and my group kept saying "Oh we'll go later..." They all seemed so calm, in my dream and in real life that morning. And I kept saying "no let's just go so we can get it OVER with!"

I am starting to feel like a crazy person!

It could partially be that I really have never aspired to complete a half marathon (13.1 miles) I have actually said out loud and to many people that I would NEVER do a half. So why the change of heart? No. I am asking you? I have no freaking idea! Maybe it is the "power of the group," which can be a good and apparently now a bad thing :) It's not bad...See I need to stop saying that! It is something that SCARES THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME! The fact I can be persuaded to go against any grain of normal behavior...so far out of my comfort zone...to do something SO NOT me. I'm sure if any of my friends are reading this in fact they are thinking that this post sounds more like the real me. The old me... The old me had never run a mile. The old me laughed when my cheer buddies in high school drank water and ran a couple laps for a warm up before games. The old me vehemently and openly hated running. The old me NEVER EVER EVER even considered running any type of distance. Maybe unless a glass- scratch that a bottle- of champagne was waiting around the bend :) No the old me would never have done the things that I have been doing. But I am not the old me.

 This is where it all kind of started the Ironheart Racing Classic in May last year. A great cause we went out to support the Nick of Time Foundation. But I was completely incapable of running the whole thing. I barely run/walked it.

 Yikes! I was alarmed to see this picture of myself. It is hard to notice the change in yourself sometimes.

 This is the 12ks race in December. I still have a ways to go but there has definitely been a change in my body. If not in pounds, shape.

 

New Years Day 2012!

Perhaps the grouchiness, fear and negativity rattling around in my head is the old me fighting to surface. But I don't want it to. I may never run another half marathon or a full one for that matter, after my half next month. But the new me wants to continue on being fit so I can decide last minute "hey there is a 5K this weekend, I should do it!" And I want to be able to do my best at it. Maybe that part of me is scared of what's next. Now as I type this, it is starting to become more clear. Because I had said that I would never do a half. I was scared 2 months ago, wondering what would come after the 12K. So I think I kind of agreed to doing this because it gave me a reason to keep going, keep training. But now I think I am scared and upset about committing to something I feel totally uncomfortable doing. And I mean it when I say I REALLY, REALLY, REALLLLLY do not want to do a full marathon. SO I need to figure out how to keep myself focused and trying hard after this big one, maybe that will help me through this anxiety.

www.runforit.co

One thing for sure about this running, I am loving my girls! This group of women who are pushing and encouraging me are AWESOME! Lead by Rachel who is doing amazing things, inspiring me and us all. I not sure she even realizes the enormity of what she has started. What started as her loving running and telling no one about what SHE was doing... 4am gym runs, secret marathons and 50K's :) has turned dozens of different lives being changed. Lifestyles warping from the unhealthy to healthy and more fulfilling lives. Telling us that it is OK to do this for ourselves and reminding us of the good that comes from your family being proud of you. I tell my kids all the time to push themselves, to try things that challenge them, that it's okay to be scared and for the first time in my life I am really doing all of those things. And they are proud of me. Joe is proud of me. He even seems to not see the mountain of laundry on our bedroom floor waiting to be folded. Because he knows it didn't happen because by the time I ran I had to pick Cam up at school and then the others and then it was homework time, and dinner, then blog time and bed. So now the things I am putting off until tomorrow is something that would be there tomorrow anyways, whether I do it today or not. And finally I am doing something important for myself. It is a very hard thing as a mom to decide that something you do for yourself takes precedent over that which you do for you family. Even if it is just laundry. So I need to go to bed now. I have to go run in the morning. I am exhausted. So exhausted that I almost wrote excited instead of exhausted :)

-Running in Pictures-
For the record running is not pretty. At least not on me :)

The day I started my 100 mile challenge. Unbeknownst to myself. This is how I kicked it off Abby's Run for the Cure July 2011. The next day I jumped on the treadmill!

 My first REAL race! Thanks to my Dada for pulling me along!

 Just finished my 100 mile challenge. Quietly August 9th.

 Running on vacation for the first time EVER

 Running in the rain ON vacation. You can't tell but my eyes are closed because it was pouring down my face.

Sights I saw running on vacation in Hawaii

 Fall running here at home. Beautiful crisp days!

Happy Riders all bundled up!

12Ks...CHECK!

 Christmas Eve Morning before the sun came up....We were running :)

 Running on vacation on NEW YEARS DAY in Carmel! Who would have thought!?!? Not me or one of my friends OR family! Nasty Nasty Trail below.

 Who wouldn't have wanted to run! I mean look at this place! I ran 8.08 miles this day

 

 So to wrap this up... I saw this on Facebook and then Pinterest and it felt TOO TOO familiar and true not to share!

 :) For now I am going to keep running. Keep pushing and like Rachel says:
run...walk...or crawl...let's see how far I can go!

enJOY! and RUNFORIT! 

A NOTE:
Today I ran 6 miles! I felt fast and good even though it was freezing cold. I had my group with me plus some and Maddie was with my friend. All in all I felt BETTER! Maybe what I needed was a good venting session, so thanks for listening!