I was taken back to my room where I laid exhausted and defeated. I had just gone through a night of labor and a c-section. I was EXHAUSTED, but sleep wouldn't come. It was all very eery. My room was completely quiet and I was alone. Completely different from the onslaught of visitors I had flowing in and out of my room when Keegan was born. That night had been jubilant and FUN! But now the whole family was down waiting news outside the NICU. That is where I had told them to be. I wanted them there but I was alone. I laid in my bed and unsure what to do I started calling everyone to tell them she was here. Every phone call was kind of like therapy. It was 6 o'clock in the morning and so I was waking someone up every call I made and the initial reaction was happiness for us from them, followed by hysterics from me. In one call I said that I had no idea what was happening, not even really getting myself that, I REALLY HAD NO IDEA what was going on. NO ONE had told me. For all I knew she was dying or she could be on her way up to me. Luckily it was neither of the two. She wasn't coming up, but she wasn't to my understanding dying. She was just fighting.
By the afternoon they had to give me something to sleep. I was a mess. My eyes swollen almost shut and raw from crying. My best friend brought me a frozen eye mask to help. I can still feel the warm tears running under the ice cold mask. The day was kind of a blur. My family came in waves but would take turns checking on me and then Joe and Delaney. No one was allowed to hold her. Only Joe and the grandparents were allowed to see her and the grandparents only shortly. I wasn't even able to see her until that night. They weren't going to let me get up, but after threatening no sleep until I saw her and agreeing to a wheelchair, they allowed it. She looked so helpless. More tears.
We went for days to sit in on rounds. At that point we understood, Delaney had an underdeveloped lung. It wasn't giving her enough oxygen to breath on her own. They'd call us over when it was time to talk about Delaney. We'd listen intently and then they'd ask if we had questions. Each day my question was the same. "Can I hold her yet?" For three days the answer was "No." She wasn't strong enough yet. Then on the fourth day, finally the answer was "YES!"It was the day I had to leave to go home. My doc had come up with only enough reasons to keep me there 4 days. She did her best :)
For 9 nights and 10 days Delaney stayed in the NICU. It was scary and emotional but amazing. I knew right away that this little one was a fighter. Blown away but nervous for what this little ball of fire was going to put us through :) It gave me hope and let me dream of the future. Joe or my mom or mother in law would pick Keegan and I up every day and drop me off at the hospital. Keegan would stay with a grandma. I would sit at the hospital and rest, read or sing to her. Holding her any minute I could. Not feeding her myself because she couldn't breath and eat yet. SO many tubes, SO many wires, how could one little baby stand SO much?! I couldn't do anything but watch her and wait. Joe would stop by at lunchtime and then again in the early evening to pick me up. Every night I would cry. Hoping the next day would come the call to bring her home.
The picture below is around day 4. In it she was "improved- only" on CPAP. This was the first time Keegan got to see his baby sister.
Around day 7 she was "only" getting forced Oxygen. She was jaundice and still being monitored constantly. Her saturation levels, color and heart rate were still being monitored every second.
Below her daddy getting a snuggle. When we were allowed to hold her, we never wanted to let her go. But the guilt I felt leaving Keegan all day was awful. It was a lesson in how life was going to go in the future. As a mom you go where you are needed most and try to be as fair and present for ALL your kids as you can. Had I already had 2 kids and she been my 3rd I think I would have felt more comfortable sharing the attention, but up until now it had only been us and Keegan and I was feeling really torn. My husband, family and friends were amazing at reassuring me that it was OK. And my evenings at home were Joe, Keegan and me. He slept with us and spent every minute home being with him, letting him know I WAS there. Telling him about his new baby sister and all the fun we were going to have. Someday...Soon.
This is the day WE got to go home. She had to pass a car seat test that she did. THANK GOODNESS! Her big brother was excited. Haha not knowing REALLY what all this meant :) It wasn't until we were leaving that I realized the severity of what Delaney had conquered. I think when you are in it, you just do what you need to do to get through it. But after the dust settles you really look at what you just went through and marvel. When I did and in saying farewell to our nurses I was almost shocked to hear how severe it had REALLY been. I said to one nurse "Oh my gosh I never even considered her being here THIS long, let alone not bringing her home at all" She smiled and said that had been for the better. How would panic done us any good. True. I had inadvertently been totally positive. Good thing too. I had been sad and scared but never hopeless. That was a luxury many NICU families hadn't had. WE were lucky.
That day we went home and our new life began. The four of us. And what an adventure it has been. Since the day she was born, Delaney has kept us on our toes :) Pushing limits, showing her might, melting our hearts and showing us the strength and grace she was named for. She may have made me crazy and led me to question myself more then a few times as well :) But for the most part I am still excited as I was that day, to see where she goes in life. I am in no hurry though. In fact I begged her yesterday why not turn 5 not 8!!
I am overcome with emotions wondering where these past 8 years have gone. In all honesty I think the first 8 DAYS of her life felt longer then these past 8 years. As she made her birthday wish last night, I whispered a silent prayer. For Delaney to grow in life and in love, happy, healthy and strong. And may I please be here to see her do it. Our children's birthdays bring the reminder of our own years passed and more importantly our years to come. I won't wish them away, but talk to me in a few, I may want to skip a couple. We'll see how nice she's being to me :)
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DELANEY! I love how you challenge me, reaffirm me and love me. You are not one easily won over which makes those who hold a piece of your heart all the luckier! I hope this coming year is your best one yet! Happy Birthday my sweet girl!
~YOUR PROUD MAMA~
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