Sorry for my hiatus.
Things have been CRAZY WONDERFUL as usual but CRAZY BUSY as well. I won't go into ALL the details (mostly daily grind same old, same old) but one thing that has been weighing on my mind lately I thought was worth bringing up.
It is sad that life is like this, but it just is. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to wake us up and make us realize that while life is sweet, it can also be short. Keegan had a friend lose his dad very unexpectedly after a very short illness, and to say that it threw me for a loop, is a gross understatement. That morning had started like many lately, with a medium sized blow up, of how this was the worst day and how can I be SO mean and I hate this day....on and on... Not by me but by my 10 year old. Now signal in the snowball effect that one child has on the rest of the clan...Seeing them off to school was at that point welcome as I was SO looking forward to a 3 hour break AWAY from the "little darlings."
I actually had a quick meeting at school and then was planning a run. It wasn't until after my meeting that we were told about Keegan's friend and his family. Shock. Sadness. Poor wife. Poor kid. Poor class to watch their friend go through something so shocking. To be faced with this question of mortality theirs, ours, SO YOUNG. Through my sad thoughts and feelings of sympathy I was blown away. Here in the midst of a tragedy. Here was a group of people rallying together to do something, anything for this family. Yes, we know each other and yes, our kids are friends, but it wasn't as if we had all been hanging out every day. People literally dropping everything saying without a second thought "What can we do?" I have seen this before in times of trouble but yet it NEVER ceases to amaze me.
It was a week of emailing and calling and organizing but together we pulled off a very lovely funeral reception. Food for an army donated by the friends, families and classmates of this dear boy. Watching him walk into the hall, my heart sunk. He was the most dressed up I had seen him :) And so when I hugged him, I told him I was sorry, and that I thought he looked very handsome. He held back some tears as all these moms gave him a squeeze and then was off to the church for the service. I wasn't close to his dad, I had talked to him a handful of times, but I had the image of him walking through the parking lot a few weeks before, saying hello emblazoned in my memory. How much his son would grow up to look like him.
It is an interesting thing, how when someone you are acquainted with dies, you suddenly find yourself thinking about how much you "kind of" knew them. In my case I may not have known he himself, well, but I do know his son. Having taught him art the past few years and seen him in the hallways, out at recess playing with Keegan, I could say I know him well, and it is in that connection where my desperate need to help came from. His wife, a kind, busy, helpful woman with a great laugh and a big heart. Thinking of how I would feel if it was me!
Coming home, waiting for Joe to walk in that door. Knowing that he would be! I felt sad and happy at the same time. Then I felt guilty. Feeling thankful that my husband, my love, the father of my kids WOULD be there for dinner. We all hugged a little tighter that night. Realizing our luck. But I have spent this week walking a fine line of gratitude and reality. It is important that these types of happenings, DO make us grateful and realize the fragility of life. But I spent the next couple of days going a wee bit crazy. My kids were pushing buttons and I contemplated putting them up on Craigslist for a minute (ok 2 minutes) JUST KIDDING! Kind of :) but in the midst of again feeling guilt ridden that I was getting irritated with them and saying to myself to remember how lucky I was to be able to be there WITH them even if they were being naughty and driving me crazy. I had to stop myself!
This is what makes life great. THE CONTRAST! If every day was beautiful and shiny we wouldn't appreciate the sun, because that is all we would know. It is the rain, and the clouds and the wind AND the sun that give us this contrast, so we can see the variety of life. The reason our family driving us crazy is beautiful and necessary is because it provides us with the contrast that not every day is great but something great can happen every day. My kids might be in an all out brawl and I may feel like heading for the door, but the next moment one of them will say something hilarious and we will all be cracking up. It is a beautiful thing. It is what make life great.
So I will take this sad event, and I will take it as a reminder but I will also cut myself some slack. Though these types of things always send me a shock for a minute, where I question every piece of my parenting and wifely life. After taking a moment or many moments, I usually relax. I think I am very conscience of how lucky I am. And the more I contemplate my blessed life, I have made peace with the fact that a blessed life, a happy life, isn't ALL happy ALL the time. And that is OK, because it gives me the contrast so those fantastic days and minutes are appreciated, knowing that they don't happen all the time. I don't want to live life like it might end tomorrow, I just want to live everyday to its fullest. Living with the knowledge that more then not, my kids know I love them, my husband knows I adore him, my family and friends know I'd do anything for them. And allow myself the guilt free knowledge, that I am allowed to get ticked sometimes, and allow myself the freedom to turn on a dime and be joyful. That all of these pieces of the human condition make up a puzzle that makes life oh so sweet! Hey without the sun AND rain we'd never see a rainbow, right?! So take this day and live it to its fullest potential. As always with the good, the bad, the ugly and the inspiring!
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